Thursday, 25 August 2016

Getting Back To Me...




For a while now I've been wanting to write a post like this. To just sit down and let the words spill out. But every time I try, it's as though my thoughts are stuck, as though they're locked in my head and I've lost the key. I get frustrated sometimes at not being able to properly express how I feel, which usually means I take that frustration out on the ones I love, more often than not my poor husband, who has no idea what he's done wrong!

I've felt a bit lost lately, like I've been inside a little anxious bubble that I can't pop and I find it hard to put my finger on why this is. I know I'm blessed in so many ways and I'm lucky to have what I have which in a way makes it worse because you can't justify the feeling, so then you feel guilty for feeling that way and the whole vicious circle starts again. Right now I'm watching a nearly two year old running around the living room with a giant balloon, screaming with joy, not a care in the world and I wish I could feel that way.

It's a feeling I can't seem to shake, of not being good enough and not feeling like me anymore. Where do I fit in? When I started Dolly Bow Bow, I was a 19 year old girl living at home with her parents, filming videos about Primark and Lush on my computer's webcam. Fast forward 6 and a half years and I've moved out,  I'm a wife! And a Mum of a 2 year old boy. A boy that I love and adore more than anything in the world, but sometimes it's easy to just feel like I'm someone's Mum. Like a part of your identity is missing and you can't quite be yourself anymore. I've struggled knowing where I fit in on You Tube and my blog for a while, constantly trying to get the balance right between creating posts and videos about fashion and beauty which makes me feel like I need to try and be more polished and my family life, where I want to be able to share the highs and the lows, the picturesque days out as well as the toddler meltdown because I cut up his orange and he wanted it whole (yes that really happened). Working out how to merge the two together can be difficult. It's sometimes why you don't see regular content from me as it all gets a bit too much and instead of working through it I hide from it.

I think this post might be the first step to getting back on track. Writing down your feelings is a good first step. I can see where I want to go and I have all of these ideas bubbling under the surface, it's just trying to make them happen! Remembering how and why you started is a good way of getting back to who you really are. Fashion was my main focus when I started this, and over the last 2 years I've slowly built my confidence after having a baby, to wear whatever I want again, and not to feel like I shouldn't 'because I'm a Mum'. I've realised lately that this blog and my channel can be whatever I want them to be and I don't have to conform to rules or be put in a certain box. I'm not just a fashion blogger, I'm not just a lifestyle vlogger, I'm a person, with lots of interests and I can be confident in the knowledge that if you share similar interests then you might like what I do and that's all that really matters. I might have a pretty dress on in these pictures but I also have scabs over my elbows from going down a slide at soft play with Archie! And that's ok by me.

I feel like to blog and vlog to the best of your ability, you have to really love what you're doing, so I decided there would be no better place to start getting things back on track than at the prettiest cake shop in Chelsea. This place is what the inside of my brain looks like when I'm happy! Peggy Porschen is somewhere that's been on my London must visit list for a while now, as I see it pop up on Instagram all the time. It really is as dreamy as it looks in real life and the cakes are delicious. They have the cutest cupcakes in some of my favourite flavours including cookies & cream, red velvet and Strawberries & Champagne. They also create some incredible wedding and birthday cakes which look too pretty to eat!






It might seem trivial to some, but putting on a pretty dress and eating cupcakes from a pink shop with a floral doorway in the heart of my favourite city made me feel like me again, and made me happy. And once you strip everything else away, that's all any of us want to be.
Dress ASOS - Bag CHANEL - Sunglasses RIVER ISLAND - Shoes PRIMARK



What makes you happy?

Kate x
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55 comments

  1. How beautiful and honest this post was. And it's true we all feel like this sometimes, but feeling like we cannot express it is the worst thing we can do because in fact we open ourselves up too seeing that life isn't all ( as you put it) pretty dresses and pink floral doorways and that's ok. It's so nice to read this feeling the same way and nodding along to your post whilst I'm reading it, that's real life!

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  2. I'm not a mum, nor a wife and I haven't moved out of my parents house yet as I don't need to - I like it here and I don't have a boyfriend. I've just turned 25 and I have anxiety. Although our lives seem very different, I totally understand what you mean! Even the thought of having a home, husband and child seems scary to me. I imagine you feel like you've left your teen years behind because that's what I'm trying to hold on to but because I'm trying to hold on to it, I also feel lost like I'm supposed to do the things you're doing if that makes sense. I started a blog a few years ago and everything just seemed so different back then. More care free and not much 'competition'. I'm not in a competition but it seems like a lot of people are in order to get noticed. I think everyone must feel how you feel after such a big life change. 2 years goes really fast so you'll still be getting used to life as a mum I'm sure! You seem to be doing a lovely job from what I see �� I think you'll get back into it if you focus on blogging and vlogging things that make you happy - after all I'm sure that's what you used to do so it might feel like the 'old days' in that respect. Not that your wanting to go backwards, but it's nostalgic isn't it. Wear whatever you want to wear. Your natural style is very clean and pretty so I feel like everything suits you. You should start a hashtag on Twitter #JustBecauseImAMumDoesntMeanCant ... (Wear a nice dress) etc. That might perk you up? I personally just love following your little trips out, hauls, homey days and the rest! Enough of my rambling. I just hope it makes you feel a bit better knowing others will feel the same. & to answer the question of what makes me happy - watching YouTube videos, dreaming about Disney, random days out with my bestie & time with my little cute cat ☺️ - Hollie xx

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much Hollie, that really means a lot. I think your 20's is such a weird time in anyones life. So much can happen and you suddenly turn around and everything's changed. I think I'm slowly working out who I am now instead of trying to be me of 6 years ago or the me that I really want to or think I should be. And I think that's the best compromise! - Love your list of the things that make you happy :) x

      Delete
  3. Hi Kate, I'm really appreciative of this post. You are my favorite youtuber and you are because you are real. You don't hide behind the "everything is wonderful all the time" act that so many people do. You are positive though and I can relate to you so much. While I am not yet at the stage of being married and having a child, I am also 26 and do struggle with being in the anxiety bubble you describe here. I am a constantly anxious and worried person, largely suffering from health anxiety and also some panic attacks. Sometimes the worst thing about it is simply that robs you of being you and you don't know why you are suffering. So I can relate and thank you for sharing. I truly enjoy being able to watch your beautiful family on YouTube. You have a lovely personality. Thank you for being you and for being real.

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  4. Thank you so much, I'm reading your comment and thinking that I could have written it myself! Anxiety is so cruel and definitely does rob you of many things. It's something I want to talk about more as I think it's really important, it's just finding the right words! Sending lots of love to you and hope things are looking up soon xx

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  5. I know what you mean. I am 25. Engaged and starting out at a new job. My dad recent passes away and it has made me very distant to my mum. This means I've lost my way a little. I feel like I am now know as 'Seans Partner'
    I am much more than that. But as most of our family time is with my fiancés family I am introduced that way. Then at work I am the new girl.
    What ever happen to just being yourself. With no titles other than your name. I want to Steph. I feel like your 20's is a funny old time of finding yourself. So much seems to change and it is hard to not loose yourself along the way.

    I love that you have taken the time for yourself. You really are an inspiration. Keep doing what your doing!

    Steph

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  6. Thank you Kate for writing such an honest post. I'm a first time mum to a beautiful little girl who is 14 months old and I love her with all of my being, but you are right, I do feel like I'm 'just a mum' sometimes. Like I'm not a woman anymore, even though really when you think about it, our bodies have done the most womanly thing possible, giving birth to our little babies which is a miracle in itself. Thinking about that gives me a little confidence boost sometimes ��

    ReplyDelete
  7. As a mummy, a blogger (and newbie blogger) I can fully understand how you're feeling. My little one is 9 months and sometimes I'm lost between the old me, the new me and finding the balance between Fi, and Mummy! I am a huge fan of yours Kate and I find you very inspiring. I personally write exactly as I'm feeling and thinking (which you'll see if, by some wonderful miracle, you one day get a chance to read my recent posts). I'm very honest in my writing and it seems to really help me. I too have suffered anxiety and again, find that writing really helps. Just keep doing what you're doing darling. You're doing bloody great!! Fi - beautybabyandme

    ReplyDelete
  8. Kate this post is very true for many of us. I am turning 26 in October and feel like I don't know where my life is heading or what I really want from it. It's like I'm just drifting along doing all the things you are expected to do as an "adult" even though I still feel like a frighten 16 year old, scared of growing up and having responsibilities. I always planned my life to a set time frame, sometimes I feel I can't just live for the moment because it doesn't fit in with the plan. This makes me very distant with friends and family, I know I am pushing them away but I just can't stop myself. I just don't know what to do for the best. I started a channel just over a year ago because I wanted to be part of the community, I think to get the feeling of friendship and family back that i've pushed away. My first video is my favourite, not a care in the world just enjoying myself. Since them I have, as you say, felt like i've had to conform to the type of youtuber I want to be. Be it fashion, beauty or lifestyle, but I don't really fully fit into any of those boxes, which resulted in me not doing anything. I am trying to turn that around now. I am making some big changes in my life at the moment, mainly starting a new job in 1 week. Im not sure if it is the right thing for me but I suppose I won't know until I try. This post has given me a lot to think about, & writing this comment has also made me think (and cry a little). I so glad i'm not the only person who feels like this as I feel really selfish sometimes just thinking of myself. Anyway I better stop rambling, but in answer to your question a good Disney film or dancing film like Step up or Take the Lead always make me smile. I hope this is your first step in you feeling more like you, take care! Love Aimee xx

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  9. Such a darling little shop!! I love the flowers out front <3



    www.kristenskouture.com | Luxury. Fashion. Lifestyle.



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  10. I've seen this shop so many times and I feel you with how pretty and the cupcakes look. I kind of know what you are going through and feel so lost and anxiety to struggle with. Hope you feel better and find more things to get you happy.

    Jackie | fashionxfairytale |

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  11. This is such a lovely post Kate! You're able to just be yourself and we all love that. Thank you for sharing your feelings as probably a lot of us feel the same way too!

    You look absolutely gorgeous in this. I really need to visit that cake shop 😊

    Gemma xx

    Gemsblogstorey.com xx

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  12. This is such a wonderful, honest post. The first vlog I saw of yours was your pregnancy announcement and ever since then I have been hooked! Yours are the only videos on YouTube that i religiously watch and I genuinely get so happy and excited when you put a new one up. It has been so lovely seeing you, Ricky and Archie grow as a family and also to watch you grow as a woman. I am also 25 and I my life has changed so much over the last year, I left a 6 year relationship and my home with my ex boyfriend and it has honestly been the hardest but best, most humbling year of my life. I have learned that I am a person in my own right and I don't need another person to keep me happy and I am keeping that in mind as I enter into a new relationship with my new incredible boyfriend.

    You are, from what I have seen in your vlogs and blog posts the strongest, most humble, incredible woman and I love what you do. You have no idea how your posts have made me smile in the darkest of times over the last year or so... Keep doing what makes you happy sweetie, you are an amazing wife, mother and most importantly YOU!! Thank you so much for everything you have unknowingly done for me, I appreciate it :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi Kate. I have loved reading this blog, just after watching your recent vlog. While watching the vlog I was thinking it has been a while since I had seen content like that from you and I really enjoy them (been a subscriber for a year), I now have an understanding why. Even though we have very different lifestyles I feel that I am able to relate to you so much more after reading.

    I am a working mum, a 40+ hour working week and a 5 year old is a hard balance and something that I have been finding harder in the last year or so. I long for another baby, our house renovations to be complete, time with friends and loved ones, for work not to take me away from parenting so much and to have more quality time with my son. Although my life is good, the feeling of being pulled in many directions and not feeling focused on anything in particular leaves me feeling anxious and stressed.

    The balance will come and we will also find ourselves again.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Kate. I have loved reading this blog, just after watching your recent vlog. While watching the vlog I was thinking it has been a while since I had seen content like that from you and I really enjoy them (been a subscriber for a year), I now have an understanding why. Even though we have very different lifestyles I feel that I am able to relate to you so much more after reading.

    I am a working mum, a 40+ hour working week and a 5 year old is a hard balance and something that I have been finding harder in the last year or so. I long for another baby, our house renovations to be complete, time with friends and loved ones, for work not to take me away from parenting so much and to have more quality time with my son. Although my life is good, the feeling of being pulled in many directions and not feeling focused on anything in particular leaves me feeling anxious and stressed.

    The balance will come and we will also find ourselves again.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. @Dollbowbow with each day comes a smile we never want to miss from our children, so much to do such little time when your children are young. When the words mummy and daddy turn to mum and dad is when you realise time flow by too fast, as mums we need to realise that cleaning to the extreme of everything sparkling is taking away precious time we can never get back. It's the same as working from home it doesn't make life any easier, an hours work is an hours work regardless of where you do it. The struggle of fitting the jumble of everything we need to do and would love to do in our heard is hard at times, teaching ourself to slow down when we feel overwhelmed is key to being happy in ourself, recharging our well being is important so that we don't get lost in the jumble of what we think is expected of us and what we know makes "us" happy. "Your" wants and needs may not make others happy sometimes but they make "You" happy all the time. Be patient with yourself and remember you can't please everyone and it's fine to say I've done enough for today. People pleasing is a great thing but not so great if your heart is sad because of it. A note to self each day that you will do your morning routine of taking care of "you" for twenty minuets before the house and world cones to life, give yourself some loving before you share your love with anyone else will impower your thinking of what it possible for the coming day. A home was built one brick at a time, it is your castle for years to come and you being the queen need to sit back from time to time and just survey all that surrounds you, we can only work, clean cook until our bodies give out but if we take our time to fit them into their own slot on a given day without feel guiltily, they all become enjoyable, we become happier and go to bed at night feeling accomplished. It's only when we push our limits trying to do everything thing at once, making unrealistic goals we can't possible fill, we lose ourself in the jumble of we "think" needs doing. Never do anything just to please other if it's hurting your heart. Be patient with yourself Kate, just think that a happy "You" is a well received joy to your family and friends. Take care sweet pea, I see nothing but beauty inside and out ������

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  16. This is such a beautiful post. To reassure you, I LOVE your channel. It's easily one of my favourite ones for exactly the reason you were concerned about - variety! Sometimes I don't want just mummy stuff and sometimes I don't want just fashion - and you provide a brilliant combination of both.

    I began my blog to talk about mental health and my PND recovery and it is now also about parenting & lifestyle too. I sometimes wonder if I should keep the topics separate but then I figure they are all a part of me so why worry?

    Stay true to what you love, all the things you love, and you'll continue to do great :-D

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  18. I find it so refreshing that you're being totally honest. Sometimes we don't feel as good as we should and it's normal because we are only human. It's really important that you look after yourself and remember that you aren't just a mum to Archie but an amazing individual with so many talents.

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